Of Chris Nolan and Chess

I turned 34 this week and it was a satisfying one in ways one tend not to expect.

No obligatory fancy sit down dinners at exquisite restaurants, not many perfunctory birthday wishes on whatsapp, but lots of different interactions conducted with intention - just the way I've come to like it.

A humble hotpot dinner with some of my oldest friends; meeting their husbands, conducting a salmon groupbuy (lol), and sharing scoopable cake from a box with premium duckshit oolong and grapes.

Another hangout with old friends, including one who lives overseas; meeting her adorable baby daughter, seeing how my friends make such great aunties, our random bread/pastry buffet and a lovely delicious pistachio raspberry tart from atypico, courtesy of vaynii - all for me <3 

Elise initiating a dinner treat - a rare and thus very pleasant surprise.

Taking part in my first chess social, and winning 1 out of 4 games :D Bearb found the activity for us at Oche Club at Robertson Quay and it was so nervewrecking to go up against all these 1000+ ELO dudes (some of whom were clearly autistic) but it is definitely the fastest way to get better at chess - after each game my opponents were very helpful in telling me what's wrong with how I played lol. Started to get better at chess again, having suffered a long losing streak and dropped -200+ points. Note to self: you win chess when you control the center and look for ways to attack. Not by playing it safe or hoping to stress the opponent with "unexpected" moves. Other note to self: Chess and a pornstar martini is pretty nice! Helps take the edge off. Ultimately I was so glad to be able to experience this with my partner, and to have delicious ramen after.  

Watching the latest Chris Nolan, The Odyssey - an almost 3 hour epic that was such beautiful storytelling, both visually and narratively. Scenes of the trojan war, the odyssey, and of the machinations happening in Odysseus' absence in Ithaca, tied together by themes of Odysseus' shame and regret, for helping engineer the downfall of Troy (and extrapolated downfall of civilisation) through his cunning and breaking of faith with his fellow man (albeit enemies on the battlefield) when he masqueraded the horse as a gift to the gods. The cherry on top was being able to bring a plushie into the cinema (10/10 would do again) and being able to discuss the movie with Bearb, who is also versed in the stories of The Odyssey, after the movie.

Communicating with a liveaboard operator in Europe to negotiate group discounts, coordinate  a liveaboard booking for 12 people and managing various personalities and situations that arise.

Going for a walk with nainai in the park. It was hot, but some shaded parts of the park were beautiful, and I think nainai got good vibes from being there. Thank god.

  

moving mountains

Ladies, dont believe what men tell you about your own affairs. 

It doesn't mean men are untrustworthy but believing them means that you buy into the same model that the patriarchy has told them and sold them about how things should be. 

That men are providers, that men are protectors. 

That men can move mountains for their loved ones, if they only know what is needed from them. 

 That after they find that material provision is insufficient for love, it is the woman's problem and they've already done all that they can. 

 Firstly.

 Yesterday, someone who said with their own mouths that they could move mountains, today said, when requested, that they could not find travel dates due to work. This despite having settled a week-long holiday with friends months in advance.

Ladies, love freely and wholeheartedly, but protect your own heart, your own head and your own life from the folly of man. 

Secondly. And more importantly. 

Everyone provides for their loved ones. 

Just as sometimes, we fall short and can't always provide for them fully. 

 How can there be humans who do not provide some sort of value? Just as there cannot be humans whose sole responsibility it is to provide. Ultimately, the statement, "men are providers" - diminishes the value that women traditionally provide in their families, beyond the very obvious childbearing and child rearing. Food, clothing, family relationships, household upkeep, mental labour, safe harbour. 

Consider me now allergic to the phrase, moving mountains. 

 Showing that you are capable of listening, is much more useful a provision than the herculean task of moving a mountain.

quelqu'un m'a dit

Recently, listened to this song by Carla Bruni again from my francophile days. I was prolly around 20 years of age when I first heard it. At the time, it was merely a beautiful love song used as a linguistic exercise but my classmate Andrea and I fell in love with it that summer in Lyon during a language immersion course, learning the song by heart and even doing harmonies with it. Now married and older, this song has a beautiful complexity, aging like fine wine. It's a song about duality - about hope amidst negativity, about patience amidst yearning, about the simplicity and greatness of an enduring love. all this, without Carla uttering a single ILY. It's come to my aid in a moment where I find myself a little in the weeds and reminded me to have patience and be humble in the sweetest of ways. Thank you past Joyce for learning this song <3

塞翁失马， 焉知非福

The phrase means that a lost horse may be a boon or a bane. Applying it, getting a divorce because of irreconcilable differences with your partner, chiefly relating to whether it is illegal to bring lohanguo drink into Australia, might not be as stupidly devastating as it sounds. Goodness knows, i'd get my heart wrung out a lot less times. day #2 in recording down a useful nugget amidst doomscrolling.

The most valuable people have something in their pocket.

Once every 3 years, apply for a job elsewhere. One of 3 things may happen: 1. You apply and get a better job offer and leave - This shows you what you are worth. 2. You apply and get a better job offer, but stay. The best people are those who work with purpose, not because they are trapped. - This gives you options, and frees you to take bigger risks in your current role. 3. You apply and don't get a better job offer. You learn to manage your expectations and gratitude. - This keeps you humbled. Ryan Holiday: as the island of our knowledge grows, so do the shores of our ignorance. - be intentional in expanding our knowledge day #1 in recording down a useful nugget amidst doomscrolling.

bad habits

Inexplicable mood earlier. Retrospectively, dwelling on small things made them bigger than they were.

Small things like:

Mum packing all the leftovers for ah ma when shed said earlier shed pack a portion of it.

Dad egging her to take it all to ah ma, although id wanted to make lunch for us out of the leftovers and i was the one who paid for the paofan. I suspect cos dad doesnt like to eat leftovers. 

Me not feeling that hungry anyway but dad not making any move to get lunch for himself, which made me feel annoyed that i. he wasnt taking care of himself (and me), ii. he was probably waiting for me to start lunch somehow and that iii. i started to feel guilty for being petty and not showing more concern for my dad even though i was s a grown ass adult

Feeling underaccomplished and unseen after a friend gathering (irrational, but now recognise it as psychological retribution for overcompensating) and ruminating on lost time

Smol things grow into big things as we draw the linkages in our heads. Why i care so much, why dont my siblings care as much, why dont my parents care as much, why doesnt my friends and family care as much - till the narrative gets so warped and twisted that u can almost see the devils horns in it. 

Over the years, ive think ive grown to recognise these links to the same childhood events over and over again as trauma. Now that i think about it, these connections we form with our past bad experiences are like boggarts. They masquerade as causality, but once we can recognise them for what they are, they become tragically comical. Because they exist only in our beliefs, and reveal our true fragilities and fears. 

Unfortunately, i usually only recognise them post mood or meltdown, after im thinking straighter. But im getting better - hopefully, eventually to the point i can grab them by the horns when i feel them charging at me. 

A change of scenery helps, ive found. Exercise too. If i cant leave the enviromment, a tidying jag makes for a more productive time while im draining out my emotions. And bobbo. Bobbo always helps. 

dev and uat testing

Thank goodness uat testing stretched to 2 weeks - testing is so time consuming! And my assumption that all the changes made in Dev would be carried forward to uat is WRONK. WHYYYYY

anw moral of story, never underestimate the time for testing. Every defect found (and there are so many defects) has to be logged, explained and retested. How inefficient!!